編者按：有的同學(xué)向我反饋在學(xué)完批改實(shí)錄所有的文章后雅思作文成績(jī)提高了2分成功拿到了offer我感到無比的自豪，還有的同學(xué)成功通過了essay，report或者presentation的考核，我都覺得無比欣慰，學(xué)長只是過來人，能夠幫助到大家也是我的快樂。

　　Topic: Discuss the issue about whether police should be armed

　　寫得不錯(cuò) 沒什么可以指正的，如果說想寫得更地道一點(diǎn)的話 我的范文 ：

　　修改后：

　　Nowadays, prevention of increasing criminal rates could be a thorny problem. There has been a controversial issue regarding whether police need be armed, one accepted statement is that it leads to the rise of the level of violence. Personally, I disagree with this view.

　　1. 首先我需要表揚(yáng)你寫得不錯(cuò)，有兩個(gè)點(diǎn)

　　1)犯罪成本的上升，罪犯可能因?yàn)榕滤蓝桓曳缸铩?/p>

　　2)持槍可能使罪犯誤傷街上的老人。

　　以上兩點(diǎn)是你的觀點(diǎn)，而且topic sentence寫得還可以，只是你沒有像我一樣將“擔(dān)心死亡”上升到“犯罪成本的提高”，你只是簡(jiǎn)單地翻譯出來而且用了lose life這樣不地道的口語表達(dá)，而且第二點(diǎn)用for example 連接不妥，明明在說第二件事情，“比如”什么呢?邏輯不要亂。用in addition 或者secondly更顯得用層次感。

　　2. 開頭的it指代不明。

　　修改后：

　　Police being armed might be an effective method that deters criminals and hence decrease the criminal rates. First, this increases the possibilities that some offenders give up the criminal minds if crime costs have risen significantly, which implies that potential offenders might consider the possible consequence to be death. In addition, elderly people could be injured accidentally by in the street. Nevertheless, this type of crimes is gradually disappearing because of the deterrent of police carrying guns.

　　1. 兩段寫得都是持槍不好的觀點(diǎn)，分別是：

　　1) 刺激罪犯買槍與警察對(duì)峙。

　　2) 警察可能不理智會(huì)誤傷。

　　這可以是持槍不好的兩個(gè)理由，為什么要強(qiáng)分兩段呢?第一個(gè)主體段是兩個(gè)觀點(diǎn)，第二個(gè)主體段就必須也是兩個(gè)觀點(diǎn)(或例子)這就叫“平行段”。

　　2. alternative就帶有另外一種的意思，再用other就重復(fù)了。

　　修改后：

　　On the other hand, with the increasing number of police with guns, it will increase the level of violence. Because for many criminal groups, being armed is a basic condition against the threat from police, while this action results in crimes to innocent citizens easily. Additionally, some police might abuse their authority subjectively. Police is likely to lose the control of emotions when confronting criminals, this may increase the rate of unnecessary death. Therefore, adopting an alternative way to deter potential criminals (such as anesthetic rifle) may be better for police enforcement.

　　1. 除了 get injured和抓捕用 pursue和 catch，沒什么問題.

　　我的范文(7.0-7.5)：

　　Nowadays, prevention of increasing criminal rates could be a thorny problem. There has been a controversial issue regarding whether police need be armed, one accepted statement is that it leads to the rise of the level of violence. Personally, I disagree with this view.

　　Police being armed might be an effective method that deters criminals and hence decrease the criminal rates. First, this increases the possibilities that some offenders give up the criminal minds if crime costs have risen significantly, which implies that potential offenders might consider the possible consequence to be death. In addition, elderly people could be injured accidentally by in the street. Nevertheless, this type of crimes is gradually disappearing because of the deterrent of police carrying guns.

　　On the other hand, with the increasing number of police with guns, it will increase the level of violence. Because for many criminal groups, being armed is a basic condition against the threat from police, while this action results in crimes to innocent citizens easily. Additionally, some police might abuse their authority subjectively. Police is likely to lose the control of emotions when confronting criminals, this may increase the rate of unnecessary death. Therefore, adopting an alternative way to deter potential criminals (such as anesthetic rifle) may be better for police enforcement.

　　In conclusion, although carring guns to some extent deters criminals and prevents the citizens. This will lead to inappropriate guns uses resulting from an excess of guns or even more innocent people who may gey injured when police pursue criminals.

　　作者| Lynn

　　公眾號(hào)： 雅思寫作王

　　本文為原創(chuàng)文章，版權(quán)歸作者所有，未經(jīng)授權(quán)不得轉(zhuǎn)載!