雅思写作警察持枪的优缺点讨论

　　编者按：有的同学向我反馈在学完批改实录所有的文章后雅思作文成绩提高了2分成功拿到了offer我感到无比的自豪，还有的同学成功通过了essay，report或者presentation的考核，我都觉得无比欣慰，学长只是过来人，能够帮助到大家也是我的快乐。

　　Topic: Discuss the issue about whether police should be armed

　　写得不错 没什么可以指正的，如果说想写得更地道一点的话 我的范文 ：

　　修改后：

　　Nowadays, prevention of increasing criminal rates could be a thorny problem. There has been a controversial issue regarding whether police need be armed, one accepted statement is that it leads to the rise of the level of violence. Personally, I disagree with this view.

　　1. 首先我需要表扬你写得不错，有两个点

　　1)犯罪成本的上升，罪犯可能因为怕死而不敢犯罪。

　　2)持枪可能使罪犯误伤街上的老人。

　　以上两点是你的观点，而且topic sentence写得还可以，只是你没有像我一样将“担心死亡”上升到“犯罪成本的提高”，你只是简单地翻译出来而且用了lose life这样不地道的口语表达，而且第二点用for example 连接不妥，明明在说第二件事情，“比如”什么呢?逻辑不要乱。用in addition 或者secondly更显得用层次感。

　　2. 开头的it指代不明。

　　修改后：

　　Police being armed might be an effective method that deters criminals and hence decrease the criminal rates. First, this increases the possibilities that some offenders give up the criminal minds if crime costs have risen significantly, which implies that potential offenders might consider the possible consequence to be death. In addition, elderly people could be injured accidentally by in the street. Nevertheless, this type of crimes is gradually disappearing because of the deterrent of police carrying guns.

　　1. 两段写得都是持枪不好的观点，分别是：

　　1) 刺激罪犯买枪与警察对峙。

　　2) 警察可能不理智会误伤。

　　这可以是持枪不好的两个理由，为什么要强分两段呢?第一个主体段是两个观点，第二个主体段就必须也是两个观点(或例子)这就叫“平行段”。

　　2. alternative就带有另外一种的意思，再用other就重复了。

　　修改后：

　　On the other hand, with the increasing number of police with guns, it will increase the level of violence. Because for many criminal groups, being armed is a basic condition against the threat from police, while this action results in crimes to innocent citizens easily. Additionally, some police might abuse their authority subjectively. Police is likely to lose the control of emotions when confronting criminals, this may increase the rate of unnecessary death. Therefore, adopting an alternative way to deter potential criminals (such as anesthetic rifle) may be better for police enforcement.

　　1. 除了 get injured和抓捕用 pursue和 catch，没什么问题.

　　我的范文(7.0-7.5)：

　　Nowadays, prevention of increasing criminal rates could be a thorny problem. There has been a controversial issue regarding whether police need be armed, one accepted statement is that it leads to the rise of the level of violence. Personally, I disagree with this view.

　　Police being armed might be an effective method that deters criminals and hence decrease the criminal rates. First, this increases the possibilities that some offenders give up the criminal minds if crime costs have risen significantly, which implies that potential offenders might consider the possible consequence to be death. In addition, elderly people could be injured accidentally by in the street. Nevertheless, this type of crimes is gradually disappearing because of the deterrent of police carrying guns.

　　On the other hand, with the increasing number of police with guns, it will increase the level of violence. Because for many criminal groups, being armed is a basic condition against the threat from police, while this action results in crimes to innocent citizens easily. Additionally, some police might abuse their authority subjectively. Police is likely to lose the control of emotions when confronting criminals, this may increase the rate of unnecessary death. Therefore, adopting an alternative way to deter potential criminals (such as anesthetic rifle) may be better for police enforcement.

　　In conclusion, although carring guns to some extent deters criminals and prevents the citizens. This will lead to inappropriate guns uses resulting from an excess of guns or even more innocent people who may gey injured when police pursue criminals.

　　作者| Lynn

　　公众号： 雅思写作王

　　本文为原创文章，版权归作者所有，未经授权不得转载!