隨筆: 七個(gè)忠告讓你感情長長久久

　　摘錄:當(dāng)你想到“可持續(xù)”這個(gè)詞時(shí),會(huì)有什么浮現(xiàn)于你的腦海之中呢?——全球變暖,綠色生活,在節(jié)能減排中貢獻(xiàn)你的應(yīng)盡之力?那么感情之事呢?我們是否應(yīng)該讓段段舊關(guān)系“混成堆肥”,只同那些“有機(jī)單純”的人們交往?并非如此,不是的。雖然這概念挺新奇的,但對于我們大多數(shù)人來說,這樣的做法似乎并不大合情理,要知道在我們的文化里,大家還是傾向關(guān)系多多,“感情印跡”大大的。

　　生活隨筆: 七個(gè)忠告讓你感情長長久久

　　When you think about sustainability, what comes to mind—global warming, going green, doing your part to lessen your1)carbon footprint? How about relationships? We should 2)compost old relationships and only get involved with 3)organic people? Not exactly, no. Although the concept is 4)intriguing, this would be 5)implausible for most of u given our cultural 6)proclivity towards big “relationship footprints.”

　　If you have had a few relationships you know what I mean by “sustainability”—especially if they have been a source of pain or suffering to some degree. But what of the ones you wish to keep, nurture, and grow rather than watch die prematurely or unexpectedly? Instead of all that energy most of us spend putting ourselves “7)out there” on the emotional limb—oftentimes left with nothing more than a “seed”, or perhaps less some seed 8)as the case may be—let’s 9)wise up and turn those seeds into wisdom. Let’s get on with how to make our lives fertile so that we can more 10)optimally attract and create healthier, more fulfilling, and sustainable relationship ones that have the greatest potential for an amazing harvest, season after season to come.

　　當(dāng)你想到“可持續(xù)”這個(gè)詞時(shí),會(huì)有什么浮現(xiàn)于你的腦海之中呢?——全球變暖,綠色生活,在節(jié)能減排中貢獻(xiàn)你的應(yīng)盡之力?那么感情之事呢?我們是否應(yīng)該讓段段舊關(guān)系“混成堆肥”,只同那些“有機(jī)單純”的人們交往?并非如此,不是的。雖然這概念挺新奇的,但對于我們大多數(shù)人來說,這樣的做法似乎并不大合情理,要知道在我們的文化里,大家還是傾向關(guān)系多多,“感情印跡”大大的。

　　如果你與人有過一些交往——特別是經(jīng)歷過那些在某種程度上讓你飽受痛苦或折磨的關(guān)系,你就會(huì)知道我所謂的“可持續(xù)”是什么意思了。但反之,如果有些感情是你希望能夠維持下去,繼續(xù)培養(yǎng)并不斷加深,而非看著它們早早夭折或意外中斷的呢?假使我們大多數(shù)人用盡全身氣力卻使自己“毫無保留”地處于情感的困境——時(shí)常除了一顆“種子”什么都沒留下,或者也許連種子都沒有,這個(gè)得視情況而定——我們還是別傻了,把那些“種子”變成智慧吧。我們還是學(xué)習(xí)如何“滋潤”自己的人生吧,這樣我們才能夠更有吸引力,并創(chuàng)造更加健康、更加圓滿和可持續(xù)發(fā)展的感情關(guān)系——擁有最大潛力,能在將來的日子里開花結(jié)果的感情關(guān)系。

　　Relationships can be complicated given the myriad of unique 11)nuances that make up any one individual and the layers of experiences that create the 12)filters we each see reality through. The real13)enigma seems to be a matter of skill and planning—how to create an optimal climate for potential growth within this human complexity. Just like plant relationships grow and flourish under optimal circumstances and care. So, here are some 14)pointers for how to sustain any great relationship (15)platonic or otherwise), once you have carefully selected who you want to be in it with:

　　人際關(guān)系有可能會(huì)很復(fù)雜,想想,每個(gè)人都有著種種獨(dú)一無二的微妙個(gè)性,重重經(jīng)驗(yàn)閱歷創(chuàng)造出各不相同的“濾鏡”以觀察現(xiàn)實(shí)世界。其中真正的奧秘似乎在于技巧和計(jì)劃——如何營造最佳的氛圍讓感情在這人間迷陣?yán)锇l(fā)展?jié)撃?就如同植物一樣,感情關(guān)系也要在最佳的環(huán)境以及呵護(hù)中才能成長綻放。以下是一些教你如何維持各種良好感情關(guān)系(純友誼關(guān)系或其他關(guān)系)的忠告,前提是你已謹(jǐn)慎地選擇好你想要交往的對象:

　　1. Respect: If you don’t, you have no chance at REAL, lasting intimacy (in my not-so-humble opinion). If you respect yourself, just double it. Don’t just talk about it either—this is an action item. Respect is not a feeling; it’s a way of behaving!

　　1. 尊重:如果你不尊重他人,你就沒有機(jī)會(huì)獲得真正而持久的親密關(guān)系(恕我直言)。如果你尊重你自己,那么你就要雙倍尊重他人。但不要只是口頭上說說而已——這是要靠行動(dòng)表達(dá)的。尊重不是一種感覺,而是一種行為方式!

　　2. Responsible communication: You get to choose from every word in the English language (or whatever language you share) in whatever tone you choose to communicate your thoughts and feelings to another, so choose carefully. You have no one to blame if you don’t tell the truth or say what you want. My teacher say “We are always doing one of two things; creating separation or connection.” What is your intention?

　　2. 可靠的溝通:與他人交流想法、表達(dá)感受,不論要用何種語調(diào),從英語語言(或者你使用的任何語言)中選擇哪個(gè)字詞,其決定權(quán)都在你手上,所以一定要謹(jǐn)慎選擇。如果你沒有說實(shí)話或者說明你想要什么,那你就不能責(zé)備任何人。我的一位老師說過:“我們總是在做著以下兩件事之中的一件:形成隔閡或建立聯(lián)系。”你打算怎么做呢?

　　3. Integrity: Do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it, as often as humanly possible. And don’t 16)BS yourself. Nobody trusts a 17)flake, nor does anyone want their vulnerable hearts to be in the care of one. If you love and respect someone, ACT like it!

　　3. 誠實(shí):當(dāng)你說你打算要做什么的時(shí)候,你就要盡自己的一切可能,做到言出必行。不要對自己胡說八道。沒有人會(huì)信任一個(gè)反復(fù)無常的人,也不會(huì)有人希望把他們脆弱的心靈托付給言而無信的人。如果你愛某人,尊敬他/她,就要以行動(dòng)表示!

　　4. Compatibility: If you are mad about the outdoor can’t live without reality TV, are a 18)screaming liberal, or 19)abhor people who over-20)accessorize or don’t keep up on current event then you probably wouldn’t want to 21)hang out with…me, for example. Just because someone has good 22)energy doesn’t mean you can do well together in real life. Watch what people DO, not only what they say. Make sure they match or you’ll be sadly disappointed, eventually bored, and even resentful. There are 7 billion people on the planet—check some more of them out and quit trying to make a person someone they are not!

　　4. 相容性:如果你瘋狂熱衷戶外活動(dòng),離開了電視真人秀節(jié)目就活不下去,是一個(gè)徹頭徹尾的自由主義者,厭惡別人打扮得過于花枝招展,討厭別人對當(dāng)前時(shí)事一無所知,那么你可能不會(huì)愿意同某些人在一起,比如說……我。就因?yàn)槟橙四芰Τ霰?并不意味著你們在現(xiàn)實(shí)生活中能和睦相處。要觀察人們做些什么,而不僅僅是他們說些什么。確認(rèn)他們和你是一路人,不然你就會(huì)相當(dāng)失望,最后感到無趣甚至憎惡。在這個(gè)星球上生活著70億人——多觀察一些人,而且不要試圖徹底改造別人!

　　5. Compassion: 23)Walked a mile in their shoe have you? I recommend, before you think you know whatever you think you know about the person you say you love, one of the most loving acts of all: understand as much as you want to be understood. Old 24)adage for a reason. “’Cause it’s a 25)damn good one!”

　　5. 將心比心:要設(shè)身處地為他人著想,你能做到嗎?我建議,在你對你說你愛的人自以為有多了解之前,最濃烈的表達(dá)愛意的行動(dòng)之一就是:如同你有多么渴望被人了解一樣,你應(yīng)該多多去了解別人。這老話說得好。“因?yàn)樗媸翘昧?”

　　6. Expectations: The fastest way to get back to love in any relationship is to want nothing.26)Period. Try it. No one is responsible for your happiness or anything else, unless expressly agreed to.

　　6. 期望:在一切感情關(guān)系中,想要重回愛河最快的方式莫過于一無所求。僅此而已,別無其他。試試吧!沒有人需要對你的快樂或其他什么負(fù)責(zé),除非他/她清楚地表達(dá)過此類想法。

　　7. Consciousness agreements: One of my all-time favorites. Let people know what’s important to you 27)up front. As soon as possible, in fact. In any relationship the time to negotiate is up front, not after you are in deep! Two of my “needs” (if you can call them that) in a friendship are that a) we don’t make 28)unilateral decisions about ending the friendship, and b) if we have a problem we bring it to the other person as soon as possible. What are your non-negotiables?

　　7. 觀念協(xié)議:這一直是我的最愛之一。讓人們預(yù)先知道對你來說什么才是重要的。實(shí)際上,越快越好。在任何一段交往關(guān)系中,得把原則性問題說在前,而不是等問題出現(xiàn)之后再來討價(jià)還價(jià)!我在一段友情之中的兩大“需求”(如果你能這么稱呼的話)就是:1) 我們在終結(jié)友情這一問題上絕不單方面做出決定;2) 如果出現(xiàn)了問題,我們要盡快向另一方提出商議。你們的原則性問題又是什么呢?

　　These tools and skills have helped me immeasurably over the years and I rely on them all, as they are responsible for helping me maintain the loving, healthy relationships I have today! Remember, relationships take work; they are not just “add water” and people are not disposable. They are precious blessing and in their presence I feel blessed to keep on my path to becoming the best version of myself, as well as have the 29)privilege to witness those I love do the same!

　　多年以來,這些手段和技巧帶給我無法估量的幫助。全靠這些方法,讓我維系好我現(xiàn)在所擁有的忠實(shí)而健康的感情關(guān)系!記住,感情需要經(jīng)營,不僅僅是“澆點(diǎn)水”那么簡單,別人也不是“用完即棄的”。感情是珍貴的福祉,身在其中,我覺得自己很幸運(yùn),能繼續(xù)不斷追求完美的自我,同時(shí)還有幸看到那些我所愛的人們也紛紛效法!