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A wave of recent research has pointed to the risks of overpraising a child. But for parents, drawing the line between too little praise and too much has become a high-pressure balancingact.
近來一些研究指出了過分表揚(yáng)孩子可能帶來的種種風(fēng)險。不過，對于家長而言，要在夸獎得太少與太多之間劃清界限，這難度不亞于頂著巨大的壓力走高空繩索。
Cara Greene, a mother of three children ages 1 to 8, is wary of deliberately pumping up herkids' egos, for fear of instilling the sense of entitlement she sees in young adults 'who havebeen told they're wonderful and they can do anything.' But she also wants them to have healthyself-esteem.
家住紐約市的卡拉??格林(Cara Greene)有三個一歲到八歲大的孩子。這位母親一直很謹(jǐn)慎，不去刻意讓孩子的自我膨脹，因為格林擔(dān)心那樣做會讓孩子心中滋長出她在那些“一直以來都被告知他們很棒而且他們能做任何事”的年輕人身上所看到的那種自以為是的感覺。不過，她也希望自己的孩子們能夠擁有健全的自我認(rèn)知。
'We wouldn't be doing our children any favors by overinflating their egos. At the same time, Iwant them to have the confidence to tackle any challenge that is placed before them,' saysMs. Greene, of New York City.
格林說：“讓孩子的自我過于膨脹對他們來說沒有任何好處。而與此同時，我也希望他們擁有足夠的自信，能夠應(yīng)付任何他們需要面臨的挑戰(zhàn)。”
Now, psychologists are creating a deeper and more nuanced understanding of self-esteem, which could make it easier for parents to walk that line. Some of the conclusions: It can actuallybe good for kids to have low self-esteem, at least temporarily. And praise can harm if itdisregards the world outside the home. Children who have a realistic岸not inflated岸understanding of how they are seen by others tend to be more resilient.
如今，心理學(xué)家們對于自我認(rèn)知的理解越來越深入、也越來越細(xì)致，這或許能夠讓家長們在走這條高空繩索的時候輕松一點(diǎn)。其中的一些結(jié)論如下：孩子的自我認(rèn)可程度較低實際上有可能是一件好事，至少短時期的低認(rèn)可度會是如此。而對孩子的褒揚(yáng)如果沒有考慮到家庭以外的環(huán)境因素，則有可能會對孩子有害。孩子若能對于他人對自己的看法有一個現(xiàn)實──而非夸大──的理解，則往往能夠更好地適應(yīng)外界環(huán)境。
In the past, many parents and educators believed that high self-esteem predicted happinessand success, and that it could be instilled in kids simply by doling out trophies and praise. Butresearchers have since found self-esteem doesn't predict these outcomes. High self-esteem ispartly the result of good performance, rather than the cause. Inflating kids' self-esteem toomuch can backfire, making them feel worse later on when they hit setbacks.
過去，許多家長和教育者相信，較高的自我認(rèn)可度將會帶來幸福感與成功，而若要孩子實現(xiàn)高度的自我認(rèn)可，做法很簡單，只要給予他們大量的獎勵和贊美即可。不過研究者們后來發(fā)現(xiàn)，自我認(rèn)可并不會帶來這些結(jié)果。高度的自我認(rèn)可在一定程度上是良好表現(xiàn)的結(jié)果，而不是原因。讓孩子的自我過于膨脹反而有可能起到相反的作用，使他們在未來遭受挫折時感覺更為糟糕。
Self-esteem serves as a gauge岸a kind of inner psychological meter岸of how much childrenfeel valued and accepted by others, including family, friends and peers, based on research byMark Leary, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, and others. Thissensitivity to others' views evolved because of humans' need for social acceptance, which inancient times could be critical to survival, Dr. Leary says. As early as age 8, children's self-esteem tends to rise and fall in response to feedback about whether peers see them as likableor attractive, says a 2010 study in Child Development.
根據(jù)杜克大學(xué)(Duke University)心理學(xué)與神經(jīng)系統(tǒng)學(xué)教授馬克??利里(Mark Leary)等人進(jìn)行的一項研究，自我認(rèn)知是一個度量標(biāo)準(zhǔn)、一種內(nèi)在的心理學(xué)角度的衡量尺度，用于衡量孩子自我感覺到的自己在其他人心目中的重要程度、以及其他人對自己的接受程度，這里的“其他人”包括家人、朋友和同伴等等。利里博士表示，這種對他人觀點(diǎn)的敏感度是因為人類需要社會的接納而進(jìn)化而來，，社會的接納在遠(yuǎn)古社會有可能攸關(guān)生死。于2010年發(fā)表在學(xué)術(shù)期刊《兒童發(fā)展》(Child Development)上的一則研究報告稱，早在八歲這個年齡，孩子的自我認(rèn)知就會隨著同伴是否認(rèn)為他們可愛或是有魅力這樣的反饋而增加或降低。
'Children absolutely need to feel valued, accepted and loved, and this will lead to high self-esteem,' Dr. Leary says. But it can also be good for kids to feel bad about themselvestemporarily, if they behave in selfish, mean or hurtful ways that might damage their ability tosustain relationships or hold a job in the future, he says. The best path is a middle road, helping children develop a positive but realistic view of themselves in relation to others.
利里博士表示：“孩子們絕對需要那種被尊重、被接納和被愛的感受，而這些將帶來較高的自我認(rèn)可度。”不過，他說，如果孩子的行為表現(xiàn)出自私、自大或是會傷害到他人──這樣的行為有可能影響到他們未來與他人相處或是保住自己工作的能力──那么短暫的自我感覺糟糕對于孩子來說有好處。最好的一條路是中間路線，幫助孩子培養(yǎng)出一個積極、但現(xiàn)實的、與他人相關(guān)的自我認(rèn)知觀點(diǎn)。
Ms. Greene's husband Jason, an actor and at-home dad, tries to teach their children what hisgrandfather taught him: 'Nobody is better than you, but you're not better than anybody else.'When his 8-year-old son Wyatt started goofing around at practice for his soccer team, which Mr. Greene coaches, he knew Wyatt was 'having a moment of feeling superior,' Mr. Greene says. He benched Wyatt immediately.
格林的丈夫賈森(Jason)是一位演員、同時也是一位全職父親，他試圖讓自己的孩子明白他的祖父當(dāng)年教給他的東西：“沒有人比你強(qiáng)，不過你也不比其他任何人強(qiáng)。”賈森在他八歲的兒子懷亞特(Wyatt)的足球隊里當(dāng)教練，當(dāng)懷亞特在足球隊訓(xùn)練中開始不認(rèn)真對待時，賈森說，他知道懷亞特“這一刻是有點(diǎn)飄飄然的優(yōu)越感了”。他立刻將懷亞特?fù)Q下場去坐冷板凳。
Later, he explained: 'I know it's hard to go by the rules all the time, to stand in line and payattention. But you're not better than the rules, and you're not more important than anyone elseon the team.' His son nodded, and 'we had a hug,' Mr. Greene says. Wyatt hasn't misbehavedat practice since.
之后，他對兒子解釋道：“我知道要時時刻刻地守規(guī)矩、排隊、專心聽講，這很難。不過，在規(guī)矩面前，你沒有特權(quán)，你也不比隊里的其他任何人更重要。”他的兒子點(diǎn)了點(diǎn)頭，然后“我們擁抱了一下”。自從那次以后，懷亞特再也沒有在訓(xùn)練中有過糟糕表現(xiàn)。
The Greenes also step in with carefully targeted encouragement when their kids hit a roughpatch. When Wyatt fell behind in reading at school last year, Mr. Greene says, 'his self-esteemwas fragile and almost gone.' They hired a tutor and worked with him on reading. But Mr. Greene also encouraged him to redefine his own worth, saying, 'You're not measured uponrewards or grades. It's who you are that matters.' And Ms. Greene told him, 'Everyone haschallenges. This happens to be yours.' Wyatt now reads well and enjoys it. But the Greeneshope he also learned a sturdier basis for self-esteem.
當(dāng)孩子受到挫折時，格林夫婦也會通過具有明確針對性的鼓勵來幫助他們。賈森說，去年，當(dāng)懷亞特在學(xué)校的閱讀成績落后時，“他的自尊變得很脆弱，幾乎完全沒有了”。他們聘請了一位家教，幫他輔導(dǎo)閱讀。不過，做父親的同時也在鼓勵兒子重塑信心，他告訴兒子：“你的價值不是靠獎勵或是成績來衡量的。真正重要的是你是誰。”母親則對兒子說：“每個人都會面臨挑戰(zhàn)。這就是你的挑戰(zhàn)。”懷亞特如今的閱讀很好，而且很喜歡這門功課。不過格林夫婦還希望他自信的基礎(chǔ)能夠更扎實些。
Exaggerated praise can do harm, according to a study of 313 children ages 8 to 13 publishedthis month in the Journal of Experimental Psychology. Parents who noticed that their childrenfelt bad about themselves tended to pump up the praise when working with them, sayingthings like, 'You're so smart,' or, 'You're such a good artist,' researchers found.
今年2月份發(fā)表于《實驗心理學(xué)雜志》(Journal of Experimental Psychology)上的一份研究報告稱，一項由荷蘭烏特勒支大學(xué)(Utrecht University)的研究人員所主導(dǎo)、針對313名年齡在八歲到13歲的兒童所進(jìn)行的研究表明，過分夸大的褒揚(yáng)有可能造成傷害。研究人員發(fā)現(xiàn)，當(dāng)父母們在與自己的孩子合作完成一項任務(wù)時，若發(fā)現(xiàn)孩子的自我感覺不佳，往往會說諸如“你真聰明”或是“你真是個了不起的藝術(shù)家”這樣贊揚(yáng)的話來給孩子打氣。
But those children felt ashamed when they were defeated later in a simulated computer game; other children who received more realistic praise that focused on their effort or behavior didn'tfeel any shame, according to the study led by researchers at Utrecht University in theNetherlands. Well-meaning adults 'may foster in children with low self-esteem the veryemotional vulnerability they are trying to prevent,' the study says. A better path is to praisechildren for the effort they invest, an element they can control, the study says.
但是，這項研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，當(dāng)這些孩子之后在模擬的電腦游戲中被打敗時，他們會感到羞恥;而其他那些得到的評價更為現(xiàn)實、且所得評價只集中于他們的努力或是表現(xiàn)的孩子，則不會感到任何羞恥。研究報告中寫道，那些善意的成年人“或許恰恰在孩子心中種下了他們試圖避免的那種脆弱情感──較低的自我認(rèn)可”。研究報告稱，較好的方式是對孩子所付出的努力──這一他們能夠自己控制的因素──予以表揚(yáng)。
Children who have a realistic understanding of how they are seen by others tend to be moreresilient. In a 2010 study, 333 preteens played an online version of 'Survivor,' posting personalprofiles and receiving peer ratings on their likability. All the kids who received low ratingsexperienced a drop in self-esteem, gauged via scores on a scale including such items as, 'Ifeel good about who I am right now.' But those who started the game with grandiose views ofthemselves and inflated feelings of superiority suffered the biggest declines in self-esteem, says the study in Child Development.
那些對于他人對自己持何看法有更現(xiàn)實認(rèn)知的孩子，往往更能適應(yīng)環(huán)境。在2010年的一項研究中，333名九至13歲的孩子在網(wǎng)上參與一個類似真人秀節(jié)目《幸存者》(Survivor)的游戲，孩子們在網(wǎng)上公布他們的個人簡介，然后其他人會根據(jù)對這些孩子的喜愛程度給他們打分。所有得到較低評分的孩子，自信程度都有所下降，他們的自信程度是通過他們針對諸如“我對于現(xiàn)在的自我感覺良好”這樣的問題打分來決定的。不過，這份發(fā)表于《兒童發(fā)展》的研究報告指出，那些在游戲開始前對自己有不切實際的過高評價、并有過高優(yōu)越感的孩子，自信心下降得最為嚴(yán)重。
When researchers tried to lift the grades of struggling college students by raising their self-esteem, the students' grades got worse, according to a 2007 study of 86 students published inthe Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology. Showering them with messages aimed at makingthem feel good about themselves may have instilled 'a cavalier, defensive attitude,' causingthem to study less, the study says.
而根據(jù)2007年發(fā)表于《社會與臨床心理學(xué)雜志》(Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology)的一份研究報告，針對86名大學(xué)學(xué)生進(jìn)行的一項研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，當(dāng)研究者試圖通過提高自信來幫助這些學(xué)習(xí)有些吃力的學(xué)生提高成績時，他們的成績反而變得更差。研究報告寫道，向他們灌輸大量旨在讓他們自我感覺良好的信息，這種做法或許給他們培養(yǎng)出了“一種傲慢的、自我防衛(wèi)的態(tài)度，”使得他們用于學(xué)習(xí)的時間更少了。
Laural and Jim O'Dowd's 11-year-old son Cole is getting straight As in accelerated seventh-grade math classes, even though he's only in fifth grade. 'It's hard not to say, 'That's awesome,'' and to congratulate him on his grades, says Ms. O'Dowd, an attorney who lives in Boulder, Colo. 'But if we praise him constantly, his self-esteem becomes centered on always being verysmart and being the best and being perfect. And when you get out in the real world, you're notnecessarily No. 1.'
勞雷爾??奧多德(Laural O'Dowd)和吉姆??奧多德(Jim O'Dowd)夫婦今年11歲的兒子科爾(Cole)在提前上的七年級數(shù)學(xué)課上，成績總是A，而實際上科爾現(xiàn)在只是五年級的學(xué)生。他的母親說：“這讓我很難不去夸獎他‘這太棒了’”、或是祝賀他拿到了這么好的成績。“不過如果我們總在夸獎他，他的自我認(rèn)知會變得只關(guān)注于永遠(yuǎn)要做最聰明的、最好的、最完美的。而當(dāng)你進(jìn)入現(xiàn)實世界時，你不一定總要做第一名。”勞雷爾是一位律師，他們一家住在科羅拉多的博爾德(Boulder)。
Instead, she encourages behaviors he is able to sustain: 'It's awesome that you're working sohard on your homework.'
這位母親換了個做法，她對于科爾能夠堅持下來的行為予以了鼓勵：“你的功課這么努力，這太棒了。”
The O'Dowds also invite their kids to see themselves as others might see them. Cole often hastrouble waking up in the morning and tends to be cranky with his three siblings, says Mr. O'Dowd, an at-home father and former engineer. When he lingered in bed recently and snappedat his 9-year-old brother Luke for no good reason, Mr. O'Dowd asked him: 'So you want to bethat person who nobody wants to talk to in the morning, because you can't be nice? Even ifnobody says anything bad to you?' Mr. O'Dowd says. 'You could hear the tires screeching in hisworld. He stopped moving. He stopped breathing. He looked at me for a very long moment. Then he hung his head, said, 'OK,' and went about getting ready for school.'
奧多德夫婦還會提醒孩子們站在別人的角度，了解他人眼中的自己。早先任工程師、如今全職在家?guī)Ш⒆拥募氛f，科爾早上經(jīng)常起不來，而且喜歡對他的三個兄弟姐妹發(fā)脾氣。最近有一次，他又賴在床上不起來，還無緣無故地對他九歲的弟弟盧克(Luke)惡聲惡氣地說話，吉姆問科爾：“難道你愿意成為那種因為自己不會好好說話、所以早上沒有人愿意搭理你的人嗎?就算是沒有人會沖你說什么壞話?”這位父親說：“你可以聽得到他的世界里傳來急剎車的聲音。他呆住了，連大氣都不出。他看著我，過了很久，然后垂下頭說‘好吧’，之后就去準(zhǔn)備上學(xué)了。”
'I try to teach my kids how to be considerate of other people,' he says, 'not just because it'snice, but because it makes your life better if you understand those around you.'
他說：“我試圖教會我的孩子如何去體貼他人。不只是因為這樣做很友善，而是因為如果你能夠更了解周圍的人對你自己的看法，那么你的生活會變得越好。”
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