下面是學(xué)習(xí)啦小編整理的爆笑英語(yǔ)小笑話，歡迎大家閱讀!

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)小笑話：理發(fā)師

　　Harry: "My big brother shaves every day."

　　哈里：“我哥哥每天都刮臉。”

　　Henry: "My brother shaves fifty times a day."

　　亨利：“我哥哥每天刮50次臉。”

　　Harry: "Is he crazy?"

　　哈里：“他瘋了嗎?”

　　Henry: "No, he's a barber."

　　亨利：“沒(méi)有，他是一名理發(fā)師。”

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)小笑話：年少無(wú)知

　　Jimmy is three years old.

　　吉米3歲了。

　　One day, he was gazing out of the window when the night fell. He suddenly shouted, "Mum, mum, come close the window!"

　　一天，他正在窗口觀望，夜幕降臨。他突然喊道：“媽媽，媽媽，快來(lái)關(guān)窗!”

　　"Why? It's not cold, sonny."

　　“為什么?天不冷呀，寶貝。”

　　"Yes, mum, but the night will come inside."

　　“是的，媽媽，可黑夜會(huì)進(jìn)來(lái)。”

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)小笑話：快速靠岸

　　A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday." A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location." "I-75, two miles south of Standish." After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"

　　在休倫湖釣完魚(yú)后，我的一個(gè)朋友開(kāi)車拖著他的船回家。路上車壞了。 他沒(méi)帶手機(jī)，不過(guò)，他想，也許他可以通過(guò)海事無(wú)線廣播來(lái)請(qǐng)求公路援助。 于是，他爬到他的船里面，啟動(dòng)了無(wú)線裝置，喊道，“求救，求救”。一名海岸護(hù)衛(wèi)隊(duì)警官作出了回應(yīng)，“報(bào)告你的位置”。“I-75號(hào)公路，Standish的南面兩英里”。沉默了好一會(huì)之后，警官問(wèn)我的朋友，“你的船靠岸時(shí)開(kāi)得有多快?”

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)小笑話：冰箱里的小兔子

　　A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, "What are you doing in there?" she asked.

　　一位女士打開(kāi)冰箱門，發(fā)現(xiàn)一只兔子坐在其中的一層隔板上，就問(wèn)它：“你在那里做什么?”

　　The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

　　兔子回答：“這是Westinghouse對(duì)不對(duì)?”(Westinghouse，西屋電氣公司)

　　The lady confirmed, "Yes."

　　女士確認(rèn)道：“沒(méi)錯(cuò)。”

　　"Well," the rabbit said,"I'm westing."

　　兔子說(shuō)：“那就對(duì)了，我就是要往西邊去。”

　　Rabbit: Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?

　　兔子：你確信這瓶特制胡蘿卜汁能治好我的病?

　　Doctor: Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another.

　　醫(yī)生：當(dāng)然咯，凡是喝過(guò)的兔子沒(méi)有一只來(lái)要第二瓶的。

　　Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?

　　兔寶寶：媽咪，我是從哪兒來(lái)的呢?

　　Mother Rabbit: I'll tell you when you're older.

　　兔媽媽：等你長(zhǎng)大點(diǎn)再告訴你。

　　Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.

　　兔寶寶：噢媽咪，現(xiàn)在就告訴我吧，求您了。

　　Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat.

　　兔媽媽：如果你一定要知道，那我告訴你你是從魔術(shù)師的帽子里被拽出來(lái)的。

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)小笑話：我們分享一切

　　An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries.

　　一對(duì)老夫婦在漢堡王餐廳吃飯，他們小心翼翼地將漢堡和薯?xiàng)l分成兩份。

　　A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.

　　一個(gè)卡車司機(jī)非常同情他們，就提議想給老太太單獨(dú)點(diǎn)一份。

　　"It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."

　　“沒(méi)關(guān)系的。”老先生說(shuō)，“我們分享一切。”

　　A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite.

　　幾分鐘后，卡車司機(jī)注意到老太太還沒(méi)動(dòng)口吃一點(diǎn)東西。

　　"I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists.

　　他再次對(duì)老先生說(shuō)，“我真的不介意請(qǐng)您妻子吃一頓……”

　　"She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."

　　“她會(huì)吃的，”老先生向他保證，“我們分享一切。”

　　Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"

　　司機(jī)不太相信，懇求老太太，“你為什么不吃一點(diǎn)?”

　　The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"

　　老太太咂咂嘴，“我在等他的假牙。”

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)小笑話：I Am Going to Shop 我要去購(gòu)物啦

　　“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

　　我?guī)蛠?lái)購(gòu)物的女士包好東西后，問(wèn)道：“是付現(xiàn)金、支票還是記賬呢?” 當(dāng)她找錢包的時(shí)候，我注意到她的包包里竟放著一個(gè)電視遙控器。

　　“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

　　我問(wèn)：“你一直都隨身帶電視遙控器的嗎?”

　　“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

　　她回答說(shuō)：“不是啦。但我老公不樂(lè)意跟我一起來(lái)購(gòu)物，所以我決定拿走他的遙控器來(lái)懲罰他。”

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)小笑話：At a Department Store 在百貨商店里

　　A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”

　　一個(gè)結(jié)巴壯漢走進(jìn)一家百貨公司問(wèn)柜員：“男……男裝部在……在哪兒?”

　　The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

　　柜臺(tái)后的柜員看著他不搭話。

　　The man repeats himself, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.

　　那男人又重復(fù)道：“男裝……裝部在……在哪兒?”柜員還是不理他。

　　The guy asks several more times, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

　　壯漢問(wèn)了好幾遍柜員依舊如故。最后，壯漢氣沖沖地走了。

　　The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “Why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s questions?”

　　排在后面的顧客問(wèn)那個(gè)柜員：“你怎么不答人家話呀?”

　　The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”

　　柜員說(shuō)：“你……你覺(jué)著我……我想找打……打是吧!?”

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)小笑話：冰箱里的儲(chǔ)蓄罐

　　My cousin always "borrows" money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy.

　　我表妹總是從她哥哥的小豬撲滿里“借錢”，她哥哥對(duì)此事感到很憤怒。

　　One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator.

　　一天，表妹四處尋找，最后竟然在冰箱里發(fā)現(xiàn)了撲滿。

　　Inside was this note: "Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen."

　　撲滿里有張紙條：“親愛(ài)的妹妹，我希望你能夠理解，我的資產(chǎn)現(xiàn)在已被凍結(jié)。”

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)小笑話：I Understand Him我懂他的話

　　While eating in a restaurant, I reprimanded my four-year-old son for speaking with his mouth full . "Mump umn Kmpfhm," was all I heard.

　　"Drew," I scolded, "no one can understand a word you're saying.

　　"He says he wants some ketchup," my husband said calmly .　A woman sitting nearby leaned over and asked, "How in the world did you understand him?"

　　"I'm a dentist," my husband explained.

　　在飯店吃飯的時(shí)候，我申斥我4歲的兒子，因?yàn)樗麧M嘴食物在說(shuō)話。“喔、呢”，我聽(tīng)到的就是這些。 “祖，”我責(zé)備道，“沒(méi)人明白你在說(shuō)什么。” “他說(shuō)他要一些番茄醬，”我丈夫平靜地說(shuō)。坐在旁邊的一位婦女靠過(guò)來(lái)問(wèn)道：“你究竟如何明白他的話的呢?” “我是牙醫(yī)。”我丈夫解釋道。

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)小笑話：我為什么逃避手術(shù)

　　A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

　　一位男士在進(jìn)行手術(shù)前被發(fā)現(xiàn)正沿著醫(yī)院的大廳逃離。

　　"What's the matter?" he was asked.

　　“發(fā)生了什么?”有人問(wèn)他。

　　He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

　　男士回答道：“我聽(tīng)見(jiàn)護(hù)士說(shuō)，‘這只是一個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的手術(shù)。不用擔(dān)心，我相信不會(huì)出問(wèn)題的。’”

　　"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

　　“她這樣做是想讓你感到安心啊，有什么好害怕的?”

　　"She was talking to the damn doctor!"

　　“可她是在對(duì)那該死的手術(shù)醫(yī)生說(shuō)!”

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)小笑話：The Cemetery Shortcut為抄近路走墓地

　　Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

　　萬(wàn)圣節(jié)派對(duì)過(guò)后，兩男人圖個(gè)樂(lè)呵，打算抄近路穿過(guò)墓地回家。

　　Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

　　走到墓地中央時(shí)，他們被從迷霧中傳來(lái)的“答、答、答”聲驚嚇到了。

　　Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

　　正當(dāng)兩人害怕得渾身顫抖時(shí)，他們看到是個(gè)老頭拿著鐵錘和鑿子，在一塊墓石上鑿著什么。

　　"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

　　“哇塞，先生，”其中一人喘了口氣說(shuō)，“你把我們嚇得半死啊，我們還以為遇上鬼了呢!那么晚了你在這里做什么?”

　　"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

　　“那幫白癡!”老頭抱怨道，“他們把我名字拼錯(cuò)啦!”

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)小笑話：保證沒(méi)走錯(cuò)To be on the Safe Side

　　In a cinema during a performance one of the audience gets up, makes his way along the row of seats and goes out into the foyer.

　　在一家電影院里，一名觀眾在演出期間站了起來(lái)，沿著他那排位子走到休息室去了。

　　A few minutes later he returns and asks the man sitting at the head of the row:

　　幾分鐘后，他回到那排位子并問(wèn)坐在首位的那位男士道：

　　"Excuse me, was it your foot I stepped on when I was going out a moment ago?"

　　“對(duì)不起，請(qǐng)問(wèn)我剛才出去的時(shí)候是踩著你的腳嗎?”

　　"Yes, but it doesn't really matter. It didn't hurt at all."

　　“是的，不過(guò)沒(méi)什么關(guān)系，一點(diǎn)也不疼。”

　　"Oh, no, it isn't that. I only want to make sure that this is my row."

　　“噢，不，我不是這個(gè)意思。我只是想確認(rèn)一下這是不是我的那排位子。”