50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

　　上帝一定倍兒愛SB，不然他造這么多!!!!!!!

　　51、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

　　瞅見個姐姐，胸前衣服上寫著“Guess”…俺就問了一句：“…隆過?”

　　52、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

　　孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫們走路和說話。然后你再花16年教丫們坐定和閉嘴。

　　53、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

　　為什么當你說天上有400億星星時他不懷疑，卻偏要檢查你所說的“油漆未干”?

　　54、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

　　上帝瞅著咱們呢，大伙好歹喜感點吧!

　　55、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

　　無論，在任何情況下，永遠，不要在一個夜晚，同時吃，安眠藥，和通便靈。

　　56、Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

　　直譯：不要用眼鏡腿來打男人，用棒球擊桿。

　　意譯: 要下手就得狠，甭來毛毛雨。

　　57、There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

　　直譯：要想留住誰，在抱摔的時候有一條細線區(qū)分出你是否為高手。

　　其他譯法：抱摔是留不住女人的，摟抱才管用。/抱和爆是有區(qū)別的。 /推倒和擁抱是有微妙的區(qū)別的喲!/擁抱和柔道里的壓制是有區(qū)別的!

　　58、A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

　　所謂砍價，就是這東西雖然你不需要，但價格太好必須要買下來!

　　59、Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

　　絕對不要和長得丑的爭執(zhí)，他們已經沒什么可輸的了。

　　60、My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

　　我的觀點或許改變了，但我是正確的這一事實卻亙古不變。

　　意譯：我們要搞共產主義，也要搞有中國特色的社會主義。

　　61、My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

　　心理醫(yī)師：你神經病!!! 我：能說點別的嗎?

　　心理醫(yī)師：好!!而且你真TM丑!!!

　　62、 A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

　　一單純傻兒子問他爹：“爸，結婚到底要花多少錢啊?”他爸說：“兒啊，我真不知道…沒看見我還在交錢嗎?”

　　63、 Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

　　有人說“打不過，就合作”。我說“打不過，也要打”。因為丫們指望你加入，得來點驚喜~!

　　64、When in doubt, mumble.

　　腦子不好使的話，你就嘟囔。

　　不明白的話，哼哼試試。

　　65、I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

　　我已決定長生不老，目前為止，感覺良好。

　　66、Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were

　　好客就是：讓客人覺得他們像在他們家一樣，盡管你真的希望他們滾回他們家。

　　67、If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

　　跳傘是這樣一種運動：不成功則成仁!

　　68、A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

　　電視侮辱你的智商，電腦則是吐你槽的終極存在!

　　69、Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

　　知識就是力量，力量會邪惡化。那么就好好學習當大魔王吧!

　　70、Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

　　錢買不來幸福，但有了它，痛苦的日子會好熬一點。

　　71、Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

　　跟悲觀主義者借錢吧!他反正不指望你還!!!

　　72、Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

　　擔憂真的好使!!老子擔心的事兒90%都沒發(fā)生!!

　　73、Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

　　貞操如泡影，一戳無蹤影。

　　74、Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

　　這年頭，連懷舊都不如從前夠味兒了。

　　75、With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

　　只要主義真，豬也成超人。

　　信春哥 ，得永生

　　76、I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.

　　我早就該知道我跟我EX沒戲!歸根結底，我是天枰她是JP!

　　77、Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”

　　豪馬克卡上的話：沒有你我痛苦萬分，正如你就在此處。(沒有女人冷冷清清，有了女人雞犬不寧)

　　78、You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

　　越活越2~ /活到老,2到老

　　79、A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

　　直譯：外交家們說讓你下地獄的時候，措辭也好像你正巴不得來這么趟旅行。

　　80、 I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

　　我和個壯漢鬧急了。 他：老子非得用你丫臉把地給擦了!!! 我：你會后悔的!! 他：噢?真噠?怎么講?我：呃，邊邊角角的地方你擦不到!!!

　　81、Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

　　有些人吹牛說丫能通靈，有些人吹牛說丫有陰陽眼，其他人只是沒有這種想象力而已

　　82、I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

　　啊我好愛好愛工作啊~ 工作讓我好著迷啊~我**死盯著它幾個小時了啊!

　　83、We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

　　槍支管理不是問題，SB管理才是問題

　　84、Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

　　女人或許擊得并不重，但她們擊得更低…..

　　女人總是能擊中男人的要害。

　　85、Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

　　直譯：記著吧……世界要不惡心，我們早被吐掉了。

　　別抱怨了，這個世界要是真和諧了，我們這種人就不應該存在~

　　意譯：你們**給我記?。簺]有和諧社會，你們早讓美帝國主義給糟蹋了!

　　86、Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

　　上帝蜀黍疼你，只是大家都覺得你2B而已

　　87、I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

　　a. 過去老子左右為難?，F在老子優(yōu)柔寡斷。

　　b. 我曾是個懷疑論者，現在我很懷疑這一點。

　　c. 過去我難以決斷，現在我不大確信是否還是如此。

　　88、I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

　　老子打死都不信流血5天還不掛的物種。/老子打死都不信娘們兒。

　　89、If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

　　直譯：如果你始終腳踏實地，那就別想穿褲子了。

　　意譯：人太老實沒法活。

　　90、To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

　　別人是指哪兒打哪兒，我是打哪兒指哪兒。

　　91、 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.

　　好吧，既然這艘船要沉了，救生衣又只有一件，我就勉為其難的虛偽一下，你對我來說實在是不能再好的朋友了…我一定會經常想念你滴~!!!

　　92、Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

　　站在車庫的你并不會變成一輛車是吧?所以站在教堂的你也不會變成

_

　　93、Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

　　世界總是在變，但我卻怎么也便不出來。

　　意譯：人生何處不杯具，唯有面對飲水機。

　　94、If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

　　假設我們會吃一塹，長一智，為什么總有人生了一個還會生?

　　95、A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

　　公車總在被追趕的時候的速度要比你在里面時的速度快兩倍。

　　一旦你在公車后面追，它的速度就會變得比你在里面所感覺得快。

　　96、Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

　　發(fā)明“鼠動無聲”這詞兒的哥們一定沒踩上過一只。

　　97、You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

　　過了河也別拆橋，沒準你還要回來呢。

　　98、The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

　　口腔體溫計和菊花體溫計有啥不同?嘗嘗看就知道了

　　99、When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

　　以暴治暴，不如以抱治爆。

　　100、Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.

　　直譯：記著，如果你在嘿咻后冒煙了，證明你整得太快了。